Wait, Is This Grief?

Welcome to A Solo Person’s Guide to ADHD, hosted by Christine Dunning, Master Certified Life Coach and founder of Two Cats Coaching.

Have you ever burst into tears during a random commercial—or found yourself deeply affected by a movie that wasn’t even sad? You’re not alone. This episode kicks off a five-part series exploring ADHD and grief—why it hits differently, how it shows up unexpectedly, and what it means for those of us who live solo.

Christine is joined by her longtime friend  Rev. Stacy Collins, MDiv, a hospice chaplain and fellow late-diagnosed ADHDer, to talk about the emotional rollercoaster of loss—whether it’s a person, a pet, a dream, or even a sense of safety.

Together, they explore:

• How grief actually works (spoiler: it’s not linear)
• The “grief wheel” and why ADHDers may spiral differently
• Emotional dysregulation and “forgetting you’re grieving”
• Shame and self-blame in the grieving process
• Community grief—when tragedy strikes close to home
• The unique challenges of solo grieving
• Why support systems matter (yes, even when you’re independent)

💬 “If you don’t process the grief, it’s going to process you.” — Christine

🕯️ “I give myself and others permission to grieve at their own pace.” — Lee Horbaczewski

🧠 About This Series

This is Episode 1 of 5 in the ADHD & Grief series:

1. What Is Grief (and How Do I Know I’m Feeling It?)
2. Losing Loved Ones: ADHD and the Weight of Goodbye
3. The Quiet Ones Hurt the Most – Pet Grief
4. The Life I Didn’t Live – Grieving Lost Dreams
5. Rituals and Real Talk – Creating ADHD-Friendly Grief Rituals

🐾 Mentioned in This Episode

• Grief Spiral (www.TwoCatsCoaching.com)
• Quote by Lee Horbaczewski on permission to grieve
• The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.)

⚠️ Disclaimer

If this conversation brings up difficult emotions or you find yourself struggling, please reach out to a mental health professional.
In the U.S., you can call 911 in an emergency or 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. You are not alone.

🐈‍⬛ Connect with Christine

• Website: TwoCatsCoaching.com
• Podcast: A Solo Person’s Guide to ADHD
• Facebook & Instagram: @TwoCatsCoaching
• Looking for free stuff? Click here

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Have you ever found yourself crying at a commercial or even at a movie or TV show that's maybe not even sentimental? Well, it could be just some of the big emotions that come as part of being someone with ADHD. But it could also be some delayed grief. And grief is an interesting subject for those of us who have ADHD. And that's what we're going to talk about this week. We're going to do five full episodes on this, so I'm pretty excited. My name is Christine Dunning. I am a Master Certified Life Coach and the host of this podcast, A Solo Person's Got ADHD, and the owner of Two Cats Coaching. And again, today we're going to dive into this grief narrative. Today we're simply going about what is grief and how do I know I feel it? And I've brought along a friend. Actually, this was Stacy's suggestion when I told her I wanted to start a podcast. She said, I know what we should do. How many times in our lives have we said that?

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Quite a few.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Quite a few. I think we've been friends, what, 15, 20 years now at least?

SPEAKER_01 1:12

And creative sparks all the time.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

So I'll let her talk a little bit about herself, but I'll introduce her too. We started off as musicians. We both met because we were teaching. I you called a studio to see if there was work, and I happened to be the person to answer the phone, even though it wasn't my studio. I was just working there. And I said, Oh yeah, we've got room for somebody else. And we just instantly became friends. You had just moved to Colorado. Yes. I hadn't been here very long. Um, and then we both found ourselves um doing church music, and your church music led you to.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Yes, so church music, and then um as a fellow late diagnosed ADHD, or in my 40s, I was diagnosed. It's taken me a while to find my path, and I've found it. I am now um a hospice chaplain. I spent some time in seminary and um love the work, uh, can do it and show up and be present. And as ADHDers, one of our gifts can be hyper focus and presence. And that's a place where I um really feel like I am able to be doing my work.

SPEAKER_00 2:25

Yeah. You know, I know when you said that it was something you were considering it, and considering being a hospice chaplain, and I went, that's such a good thing for you. That would be the total culmination of your skills. Yes, and we think it really is.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

Yes, and bringing music in and all sorts of different things.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

And so well, so um, so let's just go ahead, let's just go ahead and dive in. And uh as we do this, we will, you know, being two people with ADHD, we're it's gonna be messy. Uh we're gonna go back and forth a little bit um as we find ourselves in this subject. It's the first time I've done this uh this conversational slash interview style. Um so um how do you personally define grief? I mean, this is what you do for a living. Yes, yes. Um both as a chaplain and as somebody who's experienced it, I know you have pretty profoundly. Um, and of course, as somebody who has ADHD.

unknown 3:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

Well, it it's it's normal and a natural part of life, and um it's it's this emotional reaction response to loss of any kind, whether it's loss of a loved one or loss of a job or loss of a relationship, all sorts of we'll go into more detail on the different kinds of losses, but it's it's um not a one size fits all kind of thing. It really, you know, we hear sometimes uh that these are the stages of grief or this is that, and they've started to now say, no, this is really a um, it kind of spirals around where we might not hit all those stages. We'll have our own way of defining that and and our own way that this occurs. So it's not it's not a one-size-fits-all. Um, but it's what you feel inside and what you think, and um, after someone dies or after after you have um, you know, something you've been very attached to has gone away. If you're just newly retired, any of those things, I think. Um so it's this instinctive human response to loss.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

I love that. I think one of the things about people with ADHD is that again, that those five stages of grief are well are fairly well known, I think, in society. Um and people with ADHD, like a lot of things we do, they're messy. We don't do them in order. We keep bouncing back and forth. Um, I love this concept of a wheel. Can you say more about that?

SPEAKER_01 4:55

Yes, kind of um, well, and even a spiral, like that we spiral around those things. And um, I see you've got a documentary.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

Yes, I've got a grief.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

We can show that camera if you want a grief wheel right here, if we just kind of see some of that. Um, yes, and this this um basically, you know, you have the loss, and there can be some shock, and then we sort of protest this. This is hasn't really happened, or it's um, or I'm angry that it happened, or all these different things that where we're resisting that this has happened in our lives, and then and then we go through this time of disorganization where we just you know, we might be numb, we might be just, or you might be going into doing uh endless activities to not uh and then you even feel more disorganized again. But then there comes a point if you're kind of facing all of this and looking at it where you start reorganizing that and you um come around to the fact that this is okay, this is um how life is going to look. And hopefully you've grown through some of that and um you've you've be you're beginning to embrace and accept a new um new way of living and a new life.

SPEAKER_00 6:11

Yeah. I think I love the idea of the circle of the the you're calling it a spiral. I'm thinking of the circle of life, of course, being we automatically go to the line. Yes. Um and but that but that is true. Um death uh and loss is a part of any and every life. This isn't something that's unique to people with the ADHD. It's not unique to people who are single. We all experience it. Yes. Um do you think people with ADHD do have some different experiences though?

SPEAKER_01 6:43

I do. I think with that, um, you know, they talk about emotional regulation, and with um with those of us with ADHD, it's emotional dysregulation often, and and we um it's hard to filter things, and um, there's all sorts of ways, and I think we sometimes feel the grief more and then maybe numb ourselves or disassociate more from it because of how heavy it feels and um where it might take us and all the things we feel we maybe need to start doing to um handle this grief and this no new way of life. If it's a big loss in our lives, you know, there may be some um types of things we have to do to um, you know, be able to um move on. And so I think it it can be it is just another layer of what we kind of already know um with our executive functioning not being quite as um quite as acute as we would like it to be.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

Yes. So I think one of the other things that I keep hearing about too is people actually like forgetting that they're grieving and then and then it coming back, and it hits you even harder. It's like, oh, I forgot my dad was dead. Yeah, and then and then all of a sudden it's like, oh, oh my gosh, I'm dealing with this loss. This is terrible. Yes. And um, so I think that's a really common thing is that it because we have those memory lapses, um, that that just it's not as consistent as it might be for somebody who doesn't have have this.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

Yes, it's like this forgetfulness that comes uh over us and then yeah, the the and then it can be even more difficult because you're constantly re-engaging with that grief and that sadness and and all those emotions again.

SPEAKER_00 8:40

So do you think that that actually then extends our feeling of grief for a longer time period?

SPEAKER_01 8:46

I think it does, and I think it that's where I think uh, you know, I know we'll probably go into more ways we can um handle that grief, but it it is really important, I think, to just remind yourself this is where I'm at, this is what's happened. And strangely, it may even be a couple times a day you want to do that in in those early stages of grief. Sure.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

So um, and I think one of the questions is what does grief look like if it doesn't look like grief? I mean, can it show up in other ways? Um, you know, just being flying off the handle more quickly. Um feeling emotionally dysregulated and not knowing how to name it.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

Yes, and just being absolutely exhausted and not knowing why. I think so too, and to being um, you know, extra sensitive and not knowing where it comes from.

SPEAKER_00 9:42

People with ADHD um often have sleep disorders, and I think this certainly probably just expounds that. Absolutely. You know, you can't sleep or you're you're tossing and turning, trying to, you know, remembering things, and then the next day things are even worse because you're you're sleep deprived on top of everything else.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

I do think just it it's such a challenging thing no matter what grief is. But with with those of us with ADHD, I think it oh, it just it taps on those places where we already feel um some deficits a little bit, and then even then shame can come because oh my gosh, I'm not even remembering this beloved, or I'm not handling this well, and I should do better for that person or for that situation in my life, and so to be able to kind of step back and be more gentle with ourselves is is huge.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

Yeah, that that's that shame spiral is such a big part of saying, well, other people are handling this, why am I not?

SPEAKER_01 10:50

Yes, and one of the myths of grief is that um there's one way to do it and we have to do it right. And there and as we've been just saying, there's not one way to grieve.

SPEAKER_00 11:01

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Um, and and you really don't ever totally get over some losses either. It's it's you incorporate and you integrate and you hopefully grow through it, but not to think that there's this little set, it's you know, it should be six months and then I'm back to work or six months and I'm functioning um like I think I should be. It's you know, I think not putting those labels on things is um one way we we, especially as ADHDers, can um help actually help ourselves and and grow through it maybe even a little quicker by not saying this is what you know, right, this is how it should look.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

Um I think that's very true. Yeah. So um, so one of the things that I'm trying to do with my podcast is show the intersection of both ADHD and being single, which I know you're not, but you're right. Stacy's super independent for a married woman. Yes, and a woman with no kids, uh no children. As neither one of us do. Yes. But um, but you have a lot of we were just talking about this. How many of your friends are single and lifelong singles?

SPEAKER_01 12:08

Yes, more than not.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

Yeah. How do you how do you see this interacting even differently for somebody who maybe is unpartnered?

SPEAKER_01 12:17

Yes, but my my um I think my friends are very independent, maybe not wanting to ask for help, um, especially in maybe times of grief. So I think sometimes um they seem so independent that maybe even their friends think they, well, they've got this, or they've, you know, and and um I think I as a non-single person need to really recognize that with my friends, if I can, um my sing solo friends, that I can say, you know, hey, what can I do? How can I help? And really give them the opportunity to receive some support. Because I think um we that are not solo, I think we really do um kind of overestimate what somebody's able to. We're I don't think we're meant to go through grief totally alone and saying, I can do this and this is one way. We so I think this is these are the people we actually should think extra about bringing the casserole or bringing the meal or the phone call or saying, hey, can we just go for coffee? And um, I just want to be a listening ear for you, and what do you need? You know.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

I know I told you the story earlier um that when uh my mother passed, one of it was one of my sister-in-laws who mentioned to me, she said, I we're all going to struggle with this. Our mom was quite beloved. And she said, I'm really worried about you because you don't have a partner and you don't have children. Every all of my other siblings at that point did. And um and that's that's a unique challenge for me not to be able to share my grief at home.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Yes. But um, one of the other things that um I'd like to talk about is uh this fact of community grief. One of the things I'd like to talk today about too is the concept of community grief. And um, full disclosure, we are filming this just a couple of days after the shooting of Charlie Kirk and the shooting at Evergreen High School. And for those who don't know us, we're maybe 25 miles away from Evergreen High School here. Um I'm a retired teacher. That was this um that was the school district I taught in, which by the way is the same school district as Columbine, and I'm not sure a lot of people that's not really been talked about in the press. So um here in Colorado, um, community geek grief is a real real thing, something we're all dealing with now. Um and I think that's that's a grief. I just want to touch on this briefly, but to say that this is a grief we don't always talk about is when these big public things happen.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

Absolutely. I think um and each of each of the people that are experiencing some of the some of the grief and the loss of a sense of safety, that's grief. Um that each of us will experience it differently. So I think, but it's wonderful, I think, when people can bring together kind of a forum where people can um share and process together and so that they don't so people don't feel so alone, and um you know, for them to know how are we creating um that sense of safety and that and and most days of these people's lives, this isn't a factor. Right. Um and so reminding people of the normal days and the days that aren't like this too is is huge, but it's it's it's something that I think we as a society, if we can really face that head on and not um try to shove that part under the rug or something, because I think it's um I agree, it's just not healthy to do that.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

Um so I want to take a second here and just um give us a little bit of an overview. So this is the first of five episodes we're going to do. And today's just sort of a little bit of an overview, and uh, you can get to know us a little bit. Um we're also going to talk about um we're also gonna talk about um the concepts of um so grief over the death of a loved one, because that's probably when you think about the word grief, that's what we think about. Um we're gonna talk about pet grief because that's a very real thing, and especially for those of us who are solo who have those uh those fur babies. Um we're gonna talk about the grief of um dreams deferred, things that we have lost just in normal life, but also because we're impacted by ADHD. And then our final one, we're gonna talk about rituals and things that we can do to help us um work through and deal with grief. So if you're looking for some of those kinds of things, look there. So um, do you have other things that you want to bring up at this point?

SPEAKER_01 17:20

Uh there's just a little um a little kind of a I wouldn't call this a prayer, but a little statement that I think is kind of a little poem, um, if I could say this, just in accepting the different ways we grieve. So this is um by um Lee Horbatschutsky. I give myself and others permission to grieve at their own pace, recognizing that all people are different in their journey of healing. I give myself and others grace, acceptance, compassion, and kindness on the grieving journey.

SPEAKER_00 17:58

Ooh, I love that. That's great. We'll make sure we publish that down in the show notes so that people can see it. So um I think we have covered pretty much everything I wanted to talk about. So I just want to say a couple of quick things. A reminder that grief is normal, it's not a flaw. This is how people define the human experience. Um, if you don't process the grief, it's going to process you. It's gonna sneak in at a later time. Um, naming it is a big part of it. So um a reminder that here, um, although Stacy's a chaplain, um, United Methodist is your bad. But I've always thought you're you used to have always been to me the spiritual more than dogmatic chaplain.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

Yes, and more as chaplains, we are more interfaith and I'm right. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

And so interfaith or no faith, um, understand you've got a place here. That's fine. All are welcome. Um, and then I did also want to just I didn't say this at the beginning, but um if you are struggling with grief, if you are reaching out to this because you are deep into a grieving process and you are having problems functioning, please do reach out to a mental professional. If you're in the United States, you can dial certainly 911 or call your doctor. Um, and now there's that new mental health line, 988, which is also specifically in the United States for people who are dealing with mental health issues. Um you know, take care of yourself in this process. So uh with that being said, I think we're gonna wrap this episode up. Thank you so much. We're gonna we're gonna take a break and then come back and work on a second episode. Um But um I'm Christine Dunning. This is Two Cats Coaching. And a reminder that uh you're not alone in this. We're here um together in grief and in happiness. So we'll see you next time.